Your one-stop shop for novelty betting

With less than a week to go before the Eurovision Song Contest kicks off (round one goes down Tuesday, May 12), Germany has received big news – huge news, albeit in a small, wasp-waisted package: Sex bomb/burlesque artiste Dita von Teese will likely be appearing alongside Alex Christensen for his performance of “Miss Kiss Kiss Bang” in Moscow.

What’s that? You’re not familiar with the great Ms. Von Teese? Well, then, enjoy the following clip from her professional résumé, featuring her world-renowned “martini glass” number. Warning: not safe for work. Unless you work at LiveBetsDirect.com, that is. Heh heh.

Ready to continue now? Good.

The news of Ms. Von Teese’ contribution hasn’t moved the odds much into Germany’s favor, though, and Christensen remains a dark horse going off at 25/1 at Intertops, 28/1 at Bet365, and 33/1 at Paddy Power. Indeed, Intertops bookmakers think so little of Germany’s chances that they’re not even offering odds on Christensen in “either way” betting, a wager that the contestant will finish in the top three.

However, those cheekmeisters over at PaddyPower, in their continuing quest to “make things more interesting,” have offered a most titillating novelty bet on Ms. Von Teese. Called simply the “Dita von Teese Specials,” odds on offer include:

Dita Von Teese to come out on stage wearing lingerie only: 6/4
Dita Von Teese to be banned from the Eurovision final for raunchy behavior: 3/1
Dita Von Teese to strip naked on stage: 8/1
Dita Von Teese to do a nipple tassel dance on stage: 14/1
Ex-hubby Marilyn Manson to appear on stage with Dita Von Teese: 50/1

The Os Man’s advice: The lingerie wager at 6/4 is pretty tempting, as Von Teese will probably not do a full-on striptease – she’s trying to augment the German’s performance, not distract from it. The “raunchy behavior” and “stripping naked” props are not advisable bets for the same reason, though 14/1 on the nipple tassel dance doesn’t seem impossible; check out that martini-glass clip again if you think she wouldn’t. Or if you just feel like checking out it anyway.

But you know what? No matter what Christensen and Team Germany choreograph out there, with Dita on their stage, everyone’s sure to be a winner!

(Incidentally, here’s the “Miss Kiss Kiss Bang” video chased by the lyrics – all the better for you to imagine just how Dita might shake her sweet, sweet sexy thing.)

Hey Miss Kiss, let us dance
Mrs Kiss Kiss Bang, she’s not a fool
Extraordinary and oh so cool
When I feel the touch of her sweet lips
I know this is a devil’s kiss
She sets my soul on fire with no return
Ooh baby, just burn, burn, burn
And our faith went like Mr and Mrs Right
So I’ll give you my heart tonight

REFRAIN: Miss Kiss Kiss Bang, come and let us sing
Miss Kiss Kiss Bang, now let us swing
Shake your sweet, sweet, sweet little thing
Mrs Kiss Kiss Bang, come let us swing

When I look into her eyes the flames grow higher
I know this is a kiss of fire
Imagination feeds my hungry heart
Give me your love before we part
And I’m on the way of no return
Ooh baby, just burn, burn, burn
And our faith went like Mr and Mrs Right
So I’ll give you my heart tonight

REFRAIN

Do the hee dee hi ho
Sing hee dee hi ho
Do the hee dee hi hey
Sing hee dee hi hey
Do the dip dip diddee
Sing dip dip diddee
Do the skiddly skiddly bo
Sing skiddly skiddly bo
Now do the gucci bang bang
Sing gucci bang bang
Do the skiddly buffely boodely bump
Sing skiddly buffely boodely bump
Do the oh… Sing oh…

Mrs Kiss, you are my everything tonight
Now shake your sweet, sweet sexy thing
Miss Kiss Kiss Bang, come and let us sing
Miss Kiss Kiss Bang, Miss Kiss Kiss Bang
Miss Kiss Kiss Bang, now let us swing
Miss Kiss Kiss Bang, Miss Kiss Kiss Bang
You are my queen and I’m your king
(Miss Kiss Kiss Bang, Miss Kiss Kiss Bang)
Shake your sweet, sweet thing
Do the ring-a-ding ding
Mrs Kiss, come on and let us sing
Do the hee dee hi ho
Sing hee dee hi ho
Do the hee dee hi hey
Sing hee dee hi hey
Mrs Kiss Kiss Bang
Come let us swing