May you can bet on … The A-Team (movie)!
“In 1972, a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn’t commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire the A-Team.”
Dah dah dah DAH, dah dah DAH! Dah-dah dah dah-dah-dah, DAH dah dah dah DAH!
Oh, sorry, got carried away in a flashback to the days of youth spent tubeside with Hannibal Smith, Howling Mad Murdoch, Faceman and B.A. Baracus and the greatest television program ever. And by “greatest,” I mean “cheesiest,” “most absurd,” and “boasting utterly paint-by-numbers scripts.”
Anybody who remembers the team taking on a town-terrorizing gang of renegade lumberjacks or repeatedly being held captive inside a well-stocked industrial warehouse or seeing a getaway helicopter grind itself into a cliff face then plummet 200 feet to the ground only to have the bad guys pop out and shake their heads muzzily – “Whoa, that was rough, dude.” – will never forget the sublime silliness of the A-Team.
What young teen of Generation X didn’t want to be the crazy dude or the stud or the badass? How many quartets joked and pretended and referenced one character each, particularly on Wednesdays after the new episode had screened. Man, it was … The A-Team!
Dah dah dah DAH! Dah dah … sorry again.
Does it surprise anyone that the team is back in celluloid form? This is the late 2000s after all, an era in which Hollywood went from status as world’s largest cinematic franchise producer to world’s largest recycler of American TV’s old forgotten trash. And just as naturally, the announcement that a big-screen version of The A-Team (restraining self from bursting into song … restraining self…) would grace our cinemas in 2010 begat a sweet little proposition bet from Paddy Power bookmakers. To wit, “How much will the new A-Team movie gross worldwide?”
The table runs as follows.
Over $500 million: 11/10
$400 to $500 million: 10/3
$300 to $400 million: 9/2
$200 to $300 million: 6/1
Under $200 million: 7/2
At first glance, then, the Paddy is absolutely positive that “A-Team: The Movie” will either be an impressive hit or pretty much a flop. (Hey, a box office draw of $200 million would probably just about pay for all those explosions leaving characters unharmed.) Thanks for the help.
What more can be gleaned? Well, a few marquee names are tabbed, including Bradley “The Hangover” Cooper, Liam Neeson (really?), and Common. While back in early 2008, John Singleton (Boyz n the Hood, Shaft) was attached to the project, kicking off a million rumors featuring Ice Cube in the B.A. role and Woody Harrelson as Murdock.
Indeed, Singleton’s dream casting would seem to make a hell of a lot more sense; the base audience for this thing is limited, direct, and planted firmly in the children of 80s TV demographic. It therefore seems logical to play it completely straight, with recognizable names to that bunch of late thirtysomethings/early fortysomethings.
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Then there’s the basic plotline, a real potential blockbuster killer. After all, if you’re keeping the basic premise – that of Vietnam vets earning money being righteous in So Cal – well, the A-Team’d be a bit old by now, wouldn’t they? I mean, the three troops would be in their mid 50s at this point and Hannibal ready for retirement from the whole soldier-of-fortune gig.
On the other hand, setting the thing in the 1980s threatens to kill off an entire swathe of the population you’re going to want to bring in, i.e. those hundreds of millions of guys who are just too fucking young to remember the damn show and who could care less about more retro nonsense. Despite the former tabbed director’s promise to “take the material seriously,” producers could choose to do a parodic 80s setting; on the other hand, no films besides The Brady Bunch Movie and I’m Gonna Git You Sucka have ever managed to pull this off to any success – I mean, did you see Starsky & Hutch?
(Yeah, yeah, Austin Powers, whatever. Two things: There’s no accounting for taste, and that series’ success was – hopefully – a once-in-a-lifetime experience.)
Hey, maybe they could set it in the present day, and the A-Team could have been charged in Iraq! What’s that? Nah, me neither.
So with a questionable starting point, the director chosen to helm A-Team: The Movie is one Joe Carnahan.
Now everyone repeat after me: “Who?”
That’s a bit of a toughie. According to ever-reliable IMDB.com, Carnahan has directed five films, none since 2006 and maybe one – Smoking Aces, with Common in a supporting role – you’ve ever heard of. Though his CV appears geared toward the action genre, naming Carnahan as the main in the chair for a potentially massive franchise seems a bit of a stretch.
It’s early in the pre-pre-production on “The A-Team,” but I really don’t see this plan coming together in a profitable way.
The advice: Take “under $200 million” at 7/2. And then check this out.
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